Love Your Self

Self love had to be one of the toughest things I had to gain. On paper my life seems perfect, but there's a lot of internal and emotional issues. Quick story, in high school I was in advance placement classes and I was a cheerleader. All my friends were white, but my two best friends were lightskinned and mixed. I was cheer captain and in lots of orgs. I had a nice body and dressed well, so you would think I had a nice life. At home my parents were divorcing, I was experiencing physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. After therapy not working I was put on anti depressants. I would come to school and take it out on my cheer sisters and coaches. At school I was too white for the black kids and too black for the white kids. I was considered the ugly friend for being dark. I remember liking guys in high school and my "friends" would go try and hook me up with them, and they would "mysteriously" fall for them and date them instead. So I would purposely date or talk to guys far away or guys that were way older than me so that my so called friends wouldn't take them. For years I wasted my time on this one guy. He was at least 6 years older than me but  My family knew him so it was cool. He led me on for so long. I went off to college and we would talk and skype everyday. I came home one weekend and he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't see me. I went to church and he brought someone I despised at the time with him and she sat right in front of me. Never in my life had I been so disrespected. Long story short, me and the girl got into it. I stopped fw him. This is where my depression recycled. I decided to transfer back to a college in my home town to be closer to my grandma. Things were going great. I gained a lot of friends. Got involved in a lot of orgs on campus. The guys here were way nicer than the ones in high school and for once I didn't have to compete against my own friends. Met another guy. He became a friend. Never thought that he'd be the reason I decided to start my celibacy journey. Fast forward He hurt me so bad that I hit rock bottom. Never in life would I want someone to hit rock bottom. I was sick for 3 months. No one knew. I was back on anti depressants. I lost lots of weight. I lost friends. I would literally work, go to school, then go home everyday. After months of moping I decided that It was time to get up and love myself. I got closer to God. God had to humble me and show me that all this luxgery could be taken away. He took it all away. I decided to get more involved on campus and started taking on more leadership roles. I believe that the best revenge is success. I was gonna make sure everyone saw what I could do and how successful I'd be. Coming up on my two year mark of being celibate, I've grown kind of selfish but in a good way. I love myself so much that I'm not willing to just share myself with anybody. I often get asked why I'm difficult or why I'm single, when in reality I'm not. I was always taught that guys should court the girl but now a days I feel that girls make it so easy now and then end up hurt. It's not playing hard to get it's being cautious. I hate a person that always feel the need to be with someone. I'm not that friend that will tell you "oh it's ok, y'all should work it out." Like no!! I've been there. He's not shit and won't be shit. With that being said I've learned that some people just have to learn for themselves. It took me hitting my rock bottom to wake up. One of my closest friends told me that once you hit rock bottom then the only way is up from there. I've risen and conquered soooo much. I take pride in that. But back to self love here's some steps I've taken:

1. Build your relationship with God

2. Be more optimistic or surround yourself with positive people (I'm a realist/pessimist so my positive friends keep me sane)

3. Get a strong support system 

4. Do what makes you happy

5. Cut off people or things not good for you

6. Love yourself like Kanye loves himself.

It doesn't matter if you're light, dark, white, or orange, people will do to you what you allow. Other people's opinions shouldn't effect how you live your life because you are exactly what God wants you to be.